i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
