We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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