Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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