??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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