My sheets look like a crime scene.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
