he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
