I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
