The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
