I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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