the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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