If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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