are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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