Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
