I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
