she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
