I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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