drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
