Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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