Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
