Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
