I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
