I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
