i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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