Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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