She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
