Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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