so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
