Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
