News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
