did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
