i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
