i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
