he wants to bone in the snuggie
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
