The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
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