I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
