she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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