I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
