I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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