I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
it hurts more in the daytime
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
