i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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