so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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