break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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