From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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