your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
