My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
