He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
