Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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