i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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