Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
