Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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