Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
