So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I understand Curling. That high.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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