You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
