My room smells like vodka and shame
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
