I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
