We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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