the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
