I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
