nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
